Last Updated on May 19, 2024
I recently found a plastic bag that contained almost all of the assignments I created when studying for a BTEC ND in Health Studies at Suffolk College between 1993 and 1996. Most of it was uninteresting, but I quite liked this little chunk of text.
Steve Acne is a fictional character written as a response to a part of the assignment that required me to create a patient profile. This is exactly the sort of work I created at school and at college that would bewilder and frustrate some teachers and endear others. I present it to you, unedited.
The humour is very dry, and slightly surreal. There are some nice funny little contrivances that made me smile, so I decided to ‘share with class’.
The images were created by ChatGPT, inspired by the text.
Steve Acne
Written sometime in 1994 (I think).
Steve Acne is a milkman in the village where he lives. The village is called Malfeasanceton and is situated about twenty miles away from Colchester. His round starts at around 4 am every morning (except Sunday) and he finishes about 8:30 am.
Over the last few months, Steve has started to sleep during the day when he gets back home after doing his deliveries. This means that he has started to eat only a small amount of food each day. He feels lonely because he doesn’t see anybody on his job. When he does see people, it is around 8-8:30 am and they are all in a hurry to get to work and have no time to talk to him.
He says that he would like to join a social club in the neighbouring town of Cessationborough, but he “Just hasn’t got around to it,” and he couldn’t travel there anyway because he doesn’t have a car of his own. Steve lives alone since his wife left him for another milkman three years ago. His marriage was the result of an affair with one of his customers. He used to keep a cat for company but two months ago it contracted foot and mouth and was put to sleep.
Recently, Steve was put on report by the regional manager for dereliction of duty and a slovenly appearance. The manager, Charlie Bruce, said, “He always used to be such a smart man, I used to quite admire his corduroy jacket and crimplene trousers.” Since last spring, he has always worn his corporation donkey jacket, whatever the weather. He says that its familiarity breeds security.
He hasn’t seen his father for weeks. His father, Frank Acne, has been unable to speak to him after Steve’s mum was electrocuted by a washing machine that Steve plumbed in for them at their flat in the local sheltered accommodation. At the time that it happened, Steve turned to his GP and was put on a course of anti-depressants to cope with the guilt that he felt. He has since attended a rehab centre to help him with his addiction.
A couple of days ago, Steve heard a report on the radio (in his milk float) about the closure of a dairy in nearby Disgorge Town. He is now planning a petition to keep open the dairy that he works for. There has been no mention of closure from his dairy, and when Steven confronts his manager, he is sure that something is being kept from him. Steven has been buying more tinned food than usual just in case he loses his job and won’t be able to afford food.
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