Last Updated on March 5, 2023
Originally published in Beat Motel issue 3
- Always head for ‘A’ when lost, since there’s bound to be one along in a minute.
- Boiling strings instead of buying new ones saves money for more important things, like cheeb.
- Don’t worry too much about being in tune, it’s not kicking over yr beer that’s the more important on-stage. concern.
- Play your bass below your hips, or you’ll look a c*nt.
- If no ‘A’ seems to be forthcoming, pretend to be doing something fiddly til you know where you are again.
- Tuning up is optional, if the guitarist complains tell him he must have set one of the billion dials on his amp wrong, that’ll keep him occupied for a while.
- When using the bass as a weapon, never strike out w/ the end where the tuning things are, it costs a shitload to get them fixed.
- The lowest string on five-string basses is below the range of human hearing, and unless your target audience is dogs or you want a high-volume bowel movement then avoid 5-string basses.
- Less treble = less audible = less time you have to spend actually learning the songs.
- Only play with your fingers if you want to look like you’re tickling a knat’s chuff.
- A bass isn’t played til the finger blood gets sprayed.
- Playing real fast makes you look smart in front of chicks, accuracy is optional.
- Get one of them bass flight cases with a fur lining, you’ll be glad of it in the back of the van, in airports, down at the hostel while those six-stringed show-offs get a night’s sleep like a rat in a foghorn factory.
- Tard & Andrew Culture
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