Last Updated on August 19, 2023
From Beat Motel Zine issue 5
Originally published 2005
At some point in 2005, Beat Motel Zine was in full swing and I was being sent a whole lotta releases by many record labels. If memory serves, I was receiving around 200 CD albums a month through my door, it was overwhelming. Sadly most of the music was underwhelming, but occasionally a band would really stand out. A Chicago band called Cougars was one of those bands.
Cougars were signed to Go Kart records, who were one of the labels that was really supportive of crappy little zines from the UK like Beat Motel. I have no idea why.
In a truly odd turn of events I ended up booking Cougars to play at The Steamboat Tavern in Ipswich, only to be usurped by the person who ran The Railway, also in Ipswich. The band thought nothing of it, and as a result the UK leg of their European tour in 2005 consisted of playing live on the BBC Radio 1 late-night punk show ‘The Lockup’ and two gigs in Ipswich.
The interview below took place well before I never met the band. Cougars stayed the night at The Steamboat (as was the style for touring bands at the time). At some point in the wee small hours, while the landlady was teaching the band how to pull pints, the band found an old copy of my zine and questioned me about the ‘odd’ review I had given their new album.
Beat Motel had plenty of contributors who knew how to ask bands good questions. I did not know how to ask good questions. I was also in the habit of interviewing bands I barely knew anything about. I don’t say this by way of an apology, I stand by my stupid ideas from my zine days, but as more of an explanation as to why the questions in this interview probably haven’t aged well. Oh well, publish and be damnd and all that…
The interview starts below this page I extracted from an old PDF of Beat Motel issue #5.
Hello Cougars, FYI interviews in Beat Motel have a pretty unique flavour, hope nothing here offends!
1 – Who the fuck are you and why should we give a fuck?
Who the fuck are you? Don’t.
2 – Do you all manage to cram in one van, or do some of your band members have to follow behind on a tin tray tied to the tailgate with a bit of dental floss?
No. Only the good-looking ones get in the van. The fatties get towed. And obviously, dental floss serves more vital functions in the van, maximizing the good lookers’ dental health. We use a link of rusty chains and used rubbers to tow the fatties.
3 – Being such a big band do you get a bigger rider or does the fair shareout of any free beer leave you all woefully sober at the end of a show?
Eh, sometimes. Several members supplement the lack of alcoholic amenities with ass-pockets of hard booze and ill-gotten prescription meds. The others cry about it and eat cheese fries.
4 – Who would win in a fight between a Cougar and a Lion?
Depends on which Cougar. We heard “Lions” new album last week. It was fucking terrible. The drums sounded like paper, the guitars sounded like a swarm of moronic bees, the bass player sounds like he has sausages for fingers, and the singer was totally emo. One can only deduce that they’re probably physically weak.
5 – How happy are you with the album, and how did the deal with Go Kart come about?
Totally stoked. We trust it will leave the masses tickled to the taint. We got in touch with Go-Kart through a bad haircut named Justin. He currently owes us $250.65 (US) and a case of Old Style. It’s been bittersweet since we would have never met the illustrious Greg Ross without him. So yeah…
6 – What’s the next step?
Sponsorships for gear. We will then sell said gear for cash monies totaling $3926.37 (US) and then we’ll break up.
7 – If you had a limitless budget what would be the one bit of Cougars merch you’d have made?
Cougars brand coke mirrors. Cougars brand fedora hat bandanas. Cougars brand lifelike inflatable fuckable anuses. Cougars brand jean jacket back-patches. Cougars brand re-release of Van Halen’s OU812. Cougars brand mopeds. Cougars brand Glory Sword with realistic Battle Sounds. Cougars brand feather duster. Cougars brand ‘Cougars Gone Wild DVD bonus edition featuring cameos by Glenn Danzig, Michael McDonald, Mortiis, Belinda Carlisle, and Steve Albini’. Cougars brand talking pork-sword (ribbed by request).
8 – Who did the artwork for the album and is there a hidden message in the artwork on the front sleeve?
The hidden message is in your mind, bro. Tune in.
9 – Who can run fastest in the band?
Well, if Sam left New York heading towards a chili dog w/ sauerkraut in Frankfurt, Germany going approximately 1.3mph and Irie left Billings, Montana on a quest of ‘The Great Hydrocodone of the North’ going 35.7mph on a 1980 Puch Maxi Moped and Mark’s mustache was greasing a path towards Wisconsin’s third annual ‘Renaissance Fair’ going 65.8mph in a cherry red Camaro w/o CD player and BNS was spinning around his computer desk, attempting to generate enough electricity to power a ‘Cougars brand Post-hole Digger’ that will dig at a pace of 3.2 meters per minute straight towards the center of the universe, while Brett does wicked burnouts in the Chicago slush, heading due backwards at .08mph with his cock-in-hand-pizza-delivery-style on two tabs of bad Jesus Christ acid and McClurg was heading towards Edinburgh, Scotland, fueled by single-malt scotch and seeking the rights to his name-day on a raft with eight well-oiled Brits, who were rowing at a clip of 1.2 knots, while Duke sat uber-high on the couch watching ‘Curbs’, going -.5785 mph, contemplating who the fastest runner in the band would be, Vidmont would end up being the fastest.
10 – Any parting shots, dirt to dish or buts to swish?
To all the motherfuckers that didn’t “believe” in our brand of recreational mathematics, we say “Fuck All Y’all.” Who’s laughing now, Todd? Yeah, thought so. Shut your mouth. Why can’t you shut your fucking mouth? You never shut up.
Holla! You done got your butt swished.