Sometimes in Beat Motel zine I used to take great pleasure in publishing some of the letters and emails that I received. This looks so snotty with the gift of retrospect, but it is what it is. At the time (2006?) there were a lot of bands who treated the world of zines as a stepping stone onto what they considered greatness.
Reading my replies may give you an idea of how I felt about that. Come to think of it my opinion hasn’t changed. Everything below this line is copy / pasted from the original zine verbatim.
We like it when people write to us, we like it even more when they write to us with complaints. Here are some of our favourite bits of correspondence since the last issue. No spelling has been fixed, so all correspondence appears in it’s original form, partly for authenticity and partly because we couldn’t be arsed to fix it.
Confused in Canada
Thanks for the highly prefessional review you did of our ep (excuse me while i laugh) seriously dude… you are clearly against this entire genre and that being said… why waste your time when you know you’re going to write nothing but nasty unconstructive criticism… You’ve a lot to learn about reviewing. Go read some professional reviews… i highly doubt you’ll find them wishing death upon the bands. and just so you are clear… canadians and americans talk alike… i dont know what you think Canadians sound like… but dude you are so far off you should not even bother.
Awake and Dreaming
Greetings, First of all I didn’t write your review and indeed I haven’t heard your band, however I stand by what the reviewer (Ronnie) said as he was exercising his right as a sentient being to express an opinion. I’m not convinced you have actually read Beat Motel, if you had you would realize the most offensive part of your email below is your insinuation that we strive to be professional. I have no desire to learn how to ‘review properly’ as this would make me just another cog in a big cog sucking machine that blinkers music, reduces albums to being described as units and threatens to homogenize us all. If my reviewer had likened your ‘output’ to a drunken goat attempting coitus with a reluctant but curious settee I would have equally supported the opinion. I’m guessing that the only part of my zine that you have seen is your review, so please let me have your address so that I can send you the entire copy and allow you the opportunity to offer us more advice on how we can improve ourselves. Thank you for your correspondence, and I hope to hear from you again soon.
Andrew Culture Beat Motel
after seeing the reviews of not only my band but others… i have no desire to see anymore… it is absolutely ridiculous and nothing you could show me would justify what was said. good luck with your zine
Awake and Dreaming
Boo, you’re no fun!
Andrew Culture Beat Motel
Meanwhile in a nest
Great review cheers, great fanzine I will buy it in future even if we are not in it which is high praise indeed given the current cost of penny whistles and effects peddles that sap our budget. The final Opus 1 has recieved a good response from the fanzine/webzine circuit although needless to say the record companies think its shite. We have been advised that our music ‘has promise, but it needs to kick in with a change in tempo to take it to the next level.’ Two words spring to mind: fuck off. Expect the second instalment ‘Extracts From The Thought Diary %’ to be delivered by a tired gentleman in a grey/blue shirt very soon.
BIRDS OF PRESTWICH
Cheers you fine feathered wonders. It’s always groovy to hear some kind words about Beat Motel, a lot of people put a lot of hard work into this zine. Ah, who am I kidding, a shove in whatever crap I feel like then unleash it on the unsuspecting (and largely unaware) public! It’s still nice to have the reassurance that it amuses someone other than me!
Andrew Culture
Beat Motel
Confused In Scotland
Dear Friend, My name is Laura Duke from Scotland; I am 25years old of age. With deep heart I write you concerning what I have been passing through as a little girl since my father died as a result of stroke on June 8th 2005. I have been frustrated and maltreated by my father’s relatives who seized all his estate here in my country. When he (my father) was alive he willed in my favor the sum of US$1.2M which he deposited with a security company in London UK. I have been put under pressure to release the document relating to the deposited fund in my name with the security company in UK, but my refusal has prompted them to stop me from school, I write that you could be of assistance and help me receive this fund from the company, which I will give you the relevant documents relating to the claim. Consequently, I am looking for a reliable and trustworthy person who will receive this fund and manage it on my behalf, I wish you could help because it is only you and I know this my idea of re- moving the fund from the company to your country until when I will arrive to your country for better life with you, but if you cannot be of help please ignore this message from me, because You be entitled for %25 of the fund, upon the successful of the claim of the fund I will I want to thank you for your understanding and acceptance.
Sincerely, Miss. Laura Duke.
Dear Laura, ‘My ducking country’ you duck, duck off & make a ducking effort with your ducking fraud you duck, what ducking duck wouldn’t ducking know ducking Scotland is ducking well in the ducking UK and we ducking have the pound not dollars you ducking ignorant duck, duck off.
Yours truly,
Andrew Culture
Beat Motel
Dear Mr Andrew Thanks for your mail received in regards to my request, please what is required to be done according to the Finance Company in London is my representative to come down to London and make claim of the fund or they (company) will deliver the fund to you in your country through diplomatic way. However, i want to inform you that to get this done will cost you money and as you know i am not financially strong due to my condition and situation here in my country by my father’s relatives, they are trying to take everything from me, but i thank God that my father deposited this particular fund in my name in London, which i want you to please act as my representative and be in London or better still deliver the fund to your country. Now what is required from you is to send to me to forward to the company your full name and your address in your country with your direct telephone number. I strongly beleive that at the end of the day God will take control of everything and i will be leaving for your country for better life with you, therefore do not leave me now because i have hope in you to actualize this my brother.
Miss. Laura Duke
Dear Laura, I’m sorry to hear about your bad condition, have you tried any vindalorian remedies that use badger and budgie juice? I also did not realise things have been so bad in Scotland since Mr.Flibble took power, have you tried contacting the king of the potato people to get your money from your relatives? I’ve heard he can be very persuasive with root vegetables and tubes of KY jelly. My full name is ‘Brytish Nateonal Partee’, my address is PO Box XXX, Waltham Cross, XXXX, XXXX 8ZU, UK. My phone number is 0870 XXXX XXX. I look forward to bleating you out. Yours venerially,
Andrew Culture (aka Brytish N Partee)
Dear Andrew Culture, i have sent your address and your telephone number to the company in Holland to enable them prepare their trip to Uk to meet with you and deliver the funs as consignment to you. Consequently, i shall be preparing to leave for London as soon as the fund is in your possession, but please i have trusted and hope in you to actualize this dream, and i promise to be with you in London for a better life by your directives. I look forward to hearing from you my dear, the company will call you or write an email to you.
Miss. Laura Duke.
Okay, at this point I chickened out, I am after all goading criminals who could easily suss where I live and I think putting them in touch with the BNP is enough of a finale.
Update from 5th March 2023, yeah, I related the BNP address and phone number from the above, for obvious reasons!
Last Updated on March 5, 2023
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